I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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