# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize