i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
