a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize