you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
