don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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