A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
