am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
