I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
