I puked a lego.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Randomize
