I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
