You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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