dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
