my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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