We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
