it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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