I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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