So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We have started to decorate penises.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
