i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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