When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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