Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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