Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
