can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
