Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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