this boner is exhausting
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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