Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
bring money and cleavage
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
