the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
