I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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