My liver just broke up with me...
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It's shark week go big or go home
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
