Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
