your parents love me but you hate me
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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