I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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