This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
