Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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