It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
