I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
