I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
