he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
