What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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