You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
