2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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