Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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