I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
