I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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