Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
