You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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