Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
