Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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