that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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