I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Green mimosas i think yes
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
