I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
