I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
