Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
