thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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