Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
