just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
