"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I woke up under a house in Key West
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize