I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Even my vagina gasped.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
