You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize