can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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