Pregnant stripper...not hot.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
