i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
