I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I pour the whiskey from now on
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
